I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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