I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
