I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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