you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
