Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
