Where is the hickey?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
