Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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