I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
