my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
