My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
