my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
