please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
