piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
