i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
