I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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