In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
