I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
