Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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