Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
