weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
