Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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