Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
