There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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