We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Randomize
