Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
