my phone needs a breathalizer
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
