I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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