the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
