I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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