Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
