The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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