I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
