before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
