Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
