Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
