We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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