You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
