I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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