doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Found the puke drawer
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
