Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
