You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
