Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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