I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And then he peed in my hair
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
