I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
