Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
