yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
