omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
