Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
