I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
