I cannot find my penis.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
