I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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